What does it mean to be successful? How do you define it versus what society tells us it is? Is it the most “likes” on an Instagram or Tik-Tok post? Is it being more popular among your friends? Is it winning the volunteer of the year award? Is it having the biggest — take your pick — bank account, house, boat, art collection, etc.? Is it being a great spouse, parent, colleague or friend? Is it being content, happy and having peace of mind as an individual? Can you really “have it all” as the saying goes?
The success paradox. Is it real or is it simply an accepted part of “making it big” in career and personal life? Popular motivational gurus like Tony Robbins and Brene Brown have made a fortune as life and business coaches to assist people in figuring it out. But their messages and tactics are very different. I will let you decide, if you want to explore their offerings, which best aligns with your thinking. I would caution you to beware the many charlatans and scam artists that promise to make you rich if you simply follow their “foolproof system” for making money.
“What price success?” is a phrase often said to teach a lesson about “opportunity cost.” It’s asking if you think that something you have achieved has been worth all the sacrifices, problems and difficulties it may have caused along the way. As I get older, I am fascinated to listen to people who talk about what it takes to be successful. What I notice is that they often forget to define what success is to them.
In a 2014 article by David Goffman entitled “Society’s Great Paradox: A Reflection on the Meaning of Success” the author quotes legendary UCLA basketball coach and personal growth guru John Wooden.
As John Wooden said, “Success is the peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.” That is all it is. It has nothing to do with how nice your car is, or how much better you are than the person next to you. Success is about you.
Think of billionaire American industrialist and oil tycoon T. Boone Pickens. At the height of his business success, he was worth $3 billion. He committed to the now popular “Giving Pledge” advocated by Bill Gates and Warren Buffett to donate at least half of his wealth to philanthropy in life or upon death. He donated over $1 billion in his lifetime and over $500 million to his alma mater, Oklahoma State University, including one of the largest college athletic gifts ever. His humanitarian efforts included his very public support of victims of Hurricane Katrina in 2005 and 2006. He even spent $100 million of his own money to promote the “Pickens Plan” to support alternative energy including a move away from our dependency on oil to wind, solar, nuclear and natural gas sources.
Pickens was the American dream personified. While he would be considered an incredible success by almost any metric in terms of status, wealth and impact, I must say he left a lot to be desired as a spouse. He was married and divorced five times. He had the reputation of being controversial and difficult to deal with and the same shrewd, calculated business skills that made him wealthy may have been his downfall in his personal relationships.
Contrast that to Mother Teresa of Calcutta, the Catholic nun known throughout the world for her charitable work for the poor. She won a Nobel Peace prize in 1979 and was later canonized as a saint. She had few worldly possessions and spent her life helping the poorest of the poor, mostly in India. Yet she was also a controversial figure who was criticized for her beliefs and her methods. Was she more successful and influential than T. Boone Pickens?
The reality is that all of us define success in our own way. Only you can define success for you. I hope you will find a good balance between spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical goals in your personal success journey. The ancient Greeks referred to “Arete” as the perfect blending of body, mind and spirit. Not a bad goal to achieve.
Let’s look at a few additional examples of the success paradox to ponder.
For instance, was O.J. Simpson successful? Known as “The Juice,” he certainly was as a college and NFL football player, broadcaster, actor and businessman. You may be old enough to remember his gig as the Hertz rental car celebrity running through airports. He was also involved in one of the most bizarre murder cases in history having been acquitted by a jury of first-degree murder of his wife and Ronald Goldman but in civil court found responsible for their deaths. His once legendary status is now reduced to being the butt of many jokes as he has been in and out of prison and financial difficulties.
How about former Nittany Lion and NFL defensive end Mike Reid? Was he a success? By most measures, absolutely! Elected to the College Football Hall of Fame and a three-time All Pro he walked away from the NFL at the height of his career to pursue what he loved: music. Say what? Football fans were stunned. How could this talented and successful football star simply walk away from all young players’ dream life while at the top of his game? Easy, Mike Reid knew exactly what he wanted. Mike went on to win a Grammy Award and to write hit songs for decades, and he found success doing what he loved most (and saved his body in the process).
Look at the long list of “successful people“ like Whitney Houston, Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson, Steve Jobs, Lance Armstrong and others that lived tragic lives in many respects. Some of the happiest people that I know are simply content. It doesn’t mean that they don’t contribute to society in a positive way, they have found what they need versus what they may want. They believe success is contentment and everything else is just toys and distractions.
I highly recommend that you consider reading a couple of books including “The Paradox of Success: When Winning at Work Means Losing at Life” by John O’Neil, “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin, and Viktor E. Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning.”
Knowing what you want. That’s a deep dive that I have written about previously in this column. It helps to have a code to figure out what matters most. In my case, I do my best to follow the Bible, though I often fall short, as well as the best lessons from my family, teachers, coaches, mentors and advisors. As I have posted before I will not thump you over the head with my beliefs and life philosophy to win you over. I may introduce a topic, and I will gladly discuss it, especially if you are curious, but for the most part I hope you will see the joy it brings me by observing my behaviors. As Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young’s hit song “Teach Your Children” so eloquently says, “You must have a code that you can live by.” Try your best to follow your code.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not equating financial and material success with being selfish or wrong. I know I may even sound a bit hypocritical for someone who wrote a book about “Seven Principles for Achieving Personal Professional Success!” That’s the beauty of being human: we are curious, and we can grow. We can learn and adapt; we can fail and persevere; and we can change. We figure out what matters to us. I respect everyone’s right to define success in their own way provided it’s legal, ethical and hopefully positive for the greater good.
How we define success is front and center as we are in the midst of “The Great Resignation” with people retiring early and walking away from jobs that don’t bring them happiness or fulfillment. Some people are starting to say the return on investment of their time at their job isn’t worth it. I am not here to judge. I simply want to encourage you to think more intentionally and deliberately about what you want and what really matters.
I recently saw a quote from Yvon Chouinard, founder of Patagonia, in his book “Let My People Go Surfing” that made me take a step back. “From my feeble attempts at simplifying my own life I’ve learned enough to know that should we have to, or choose to, live more simply, it won’t be an impoverished life but one richer in all the ways that really matter.” The pragmatic part of me says “Whoa! Wait just a minute.” You still need to pay the bills and prepare for your future, including having the resources to live comfortably in retirement.
So, when you ponder what you are willing to sacrifice to achieve your aspirational goals, just beware of the “success paradox.” Ultimately it comes back to knowing what YOU want. But, as my mother has repeated to me often, “Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.”
