Inspired by Penn State’s road map for the future, and in keeping with my commitment to delivering the highest value to readers, I have enrolled in a class in Old Mainese, the better to communicate my strategies for positioning this column for future success in an evolving and challenging journalism landscape. In what follows, I shall use Old Mainese to outline how several key change initiatives fit within my vision for this column’s future.
From here on out, my column will be data-driven, data-centric, mission-driven and research-based to enhance predictability and improve the strategic allocation of my mental energy. Going forward, I want to make strategic investments in high-demand frivolous topics that align with readers’ satirical needs.
The goal, of course, is sustainability.
Rest assured, my access mission remains critical, but reaching reader critical mass also is important from an efficiency perspective, while also providing the type of rich and engaged journalistic experiences that readers expect. My commitment to reader access will always be a central part of my mission and my links to this column on social media make reading it possible for thousands of people with too much time on their hands.
Putting it another way, I am constantly assessing opportunities to leverage a reimagined approach to integrate online options in ways that truly expand access.
Also, I have a pilot underway to reimagine how I provide readers with the tools to gain a broader understanding and a more dynamic skill set to best prepare them for the absurdity of life in a foundering society.
In short, I will be investing in those areas that are absolutely essential table stakes for a 21st-century column, just as soon as I find out what table stakes are (perhaps we’ll cover them in a future unit of my Old Mainese class).
To ensure snark remains a cornerstone of this column, my new budget model ring-fences snark in a way that arguably protects and incentivizes snark investment better than at any time since I began writing this column. (Perhaps we’ll learn what ring fences are in a future unit of my Old Mainese class, as well.)
Soon, I will begin a multi-year effort to engage in an optimization exercise to create an ecosystem of words, sentences and paragraphs with the help of optimized service teams. I will be phasing in these OSTs, which will not only allow me to move forward, but also be able to assess and right-set changes as I proceed.
Make no mistake, I intend to right-set and ring-fence these table stakes to a fare-thee-well. To do so in agile ways, I intend to increase my morning stretching routine from a half-hour to a full hour.
At this time, the anti-redundancy workstream is nearly complete with its work, and I will be focusing upcoming efforts on the sarcasm workstream. Collectively, the OSTs are working on enhancing this column in a way that serves my mission while also addressing strategic needs. The teams will analyze the unique strengths of each column to create hubs of excellence that leverage reader attention spans.
Throughout this process I will be embedding regular opportunities in my operations to consistently evaluate and make decisions around strategic priorities, efforts and investments to drive continual growth and improvements and create a consistent, unified experience for readers as they navigate an incomprehensible world.
The good news is that I have a longer runway than some of my fellow columnists to create a more sustainable future grounded in mission-based aspirations. The way I look at this column is evolving, and I am continually exploring opportunities for it to evolve based on reader needs.
I want to do this the right way, so I will be working to identify innovative ways to meet the challenges.
My ultimate goal, of course, is to be more efficient and impactful and to deliver greatness at scale to make this the column of choice for you, my external stakeholders.
Needless to say, as I do this important work, I hope to see my salary aligned with industry and role-based benchmarks as per the Compensation Modernization Initiative.
OLD MAINESE-TO-ENGLISH GLOSSARY
Agility – the ability to lay people off on short notice
Align financial aid and scholarship awarding criteria with enrollment priorities – give more money to those who’ve been historically shafted
Business model modernization – budget cuts. See also: Sustainable future.
Enrollment critical mass – four to a two-person dorm room
Exploring opportunities for our campuses to evolve – close the ones that aren’t attracting enough students
Greatness at scale – doing more with less
Preparing students for success – gutting liberal arts. See also: Relevant offerings that relate to student demand and workforce needs; Strategic investments in successful and high-demand academic programs that align with the state’s workforce needs; Evaluating academic programs per campus and determining strengths to really lean into
Ring-fencing — ???
Runway —???
Salary alignment – pay hikes
Table stakes — ???
