This is what broken dreams feel like:
Being sent off to the corner of Holuba Hall, Penn State’s massive indoor practice facility, during Friday afternoon’s pre-Outback Bowl practice, throwing warm-up passes to defensive backs like Tyler Ahrenhold.
Wearing a white jersey, while other quarterbacks named Matt McGloin and Rob Bolden wear the red ones reserved for Penn State quarterbacks.
Firing furiously, maybe angrily, pass after pass in that practice as your teammates and media dissect your every throw.
Having your coach say about you a few minutes ago, “…At this stage he’s not quite as far along as the other two kids.”
Knowing that earlier in the week, Nate Bauer, of Blue White Illustrated, set off a firestorm on the Internet, reporting that you were planning on leaving Penn State.
Finding out that people are saying that you forget plays, that your footwork and throwing motion are not good enough, that you don’t work hard enough, that you aren’t serious enough.
Learning that one of your mentors, Darryl Clark, is saying in interviews that transferring from Penn State may be the best thing for you.
Performing “Set You Up” at a Penn State student awards show in the HUB on Thursday, then telling the crowd, “This is my final night at Penn State and I got to follow my dreams. I want to thank you all for your support.”
Waking up the next morning and seeing your comments on the front page of the Collegian, above the fold, under the headline, “Newsome Undecided On Future.’
Wondering what happened after the 2009 season, when you were Clark’s definitive backup, playing 10 games with a tidy stat line of 8 for 11 for 66 yards passing, and 20 rushes for 95 yards and two touchdowns.
Thinking in the spring you were the front-runner for the starting job in 2010.
Knowing that your only competition was a guy who threw just two passes in 2009, a freshman who first stepped on campus in January and another freshman from Michigan who had not yet arrived.
Playing poorly in the Blue-White Game, completing just five of 12 passes, with four three-and-outs.
Counting on the starting job still being yours, knowing that Paul Jones threw for two TDs in the spring game but was having grade problems and would likely redshirt, and that McGloin threw two interceptions.
Working through the summer, staying in State College, throwing to guys day after day – but none of them saying publicly that the starting job should be yours.
Failing to get the start in the 2010 opener against Youngstown, losing the job to a true freshman.
Knowing that in the middle of the season, people are saying you aren’t prepared, that you don’t know the playbook. And knowing that one of those people is your head coach.
Falling to third on the depth chart behind a walk-on who played so well that the best you could muster in six games in 2010 was 13 passes and 13 runs, one of them a touchdown.
Feeling frustrated to the point you ask to be the scout team quarterback.
Hearing your coach call you a freshman in an early-season press conference. Then, at season’s end, your second year, now a veteran yet playing behind a rookie, still calling you “a fine prospect.”
Suffering suggestions that maybe you should consider a different position, your two years at the position at Penn State and a high school career that culminated in the U.S. Army All-American game seemingly meaningless.
Contemplating the indignity of staying on campus, through bowl practices, through spring classes and through spring practices, then making your decision whether or not to stay.
Figuring the end of that wait would be 126 agonizing days from now.
Facing all your teammates.
Talking once with Joe Paterno this week.
Waiting to talk to him again, after finals.
Worrying about your future.
Being Kevin Newsome.
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