For most of the 27 years that we have been married, my wife Heidi has been very content to be the ‘trailing spouse,’ as one of our friends so respectfully described it. I am the outgoing ‘AAA,’ extrovert, while she is the strong, silent one. They say opposites attract, so we would have to agree.
While I have been in the public eye a lot in my career, Heidi has been very happy to stay under the radar and assist in a very supportive way as long as it’s been behind the scenes. She is like most people who would rather lie on a bed of nails than do public speaking or be in the public spotlight.
So on Friday night we got to reverse roles. I got to play the role of ‘trailing spouse’ at the Mount Nittany Conservancy’s 6th Annual Mt. Nittany Night held at the Mountain View Country Club. It was a casual night of hors d’oeuvres and wine to celebrate the Mountain with the proceeds benefiting the conservancy’s preservation work. Heidi is on the conservancy board and assisted with the fundraiser along with Board President John Hook and fellow board member Elizabeth Fegert, who did a great job organizing the event.
Everyone who lives in, has lived in, or has visited Happy Valley, has been impacted by the presence and splendor of the mountain. Whether or not you are a Penn State alum, if you spend any time in this area you know our signature physical feature is Mount Nittany.
I am very proud of my wife and the good work her and her colleagues do to preserve the Mountain for future generations. So visit their website to learn more about what the Conservancy does and how you can help.
But there is much more to Heidi’s story given everything else going on in her life.
First, she puts up with me. That is a challenge in itself especially as I begin my new job as the head of the Lock Haven University Foundation. Our daughter Brianna works full-time in State College and is living at home for now, and mom and daughter have their moments! Our son Jonathon just graduated from Penn State and is across the country working in the computer industry in San Francisco. Our youngest son Ryan just turned 16, but Heidi is still hauling him all over Central Pa. as he plays for two baseball teams and golfs in preparation for the fall high school golf season.
Needless to say Heidi has her hands full and a lot on her mind.
But the real story here is about a daughter’s love and devotion for her father. It has been Heidi’s role as a caregiver for her father, Francis “Smitty” Smith, that is really extraordinary.
The care and concern shown by Heidi, and her sisters Karen and Terri, for their father is so admirable. “Smitty” asked his three daughters that he be able to live in his own home for as long as possible and at 96, he amazingly did so until this past Friday. But after suffering a series of “TIAs,” the time had come. A “TIA” is a transient ischemic attack, which is when a brief interruption of blood flow to part of the brain causes temporary stroke-like symptoms. It was clear that more help was needed and the difficult decision to move Smitty to an assisted living home had arrived.
It has been a tough time for everyone in our family and for the many ”friends of Smitty” — his friends at the Waffle Shop breakfast club, the Tailback Club, the Men’s Bible Study at St. Paul’s United Methodist church, the Stine Tailgate, and those he knows from the many PSU events all love him. Smitty has been blessed to have such devoted friends as Don Miller, Carl and Bonnie Pillar, and Jim Rhoades as well as the love and attention of his daughters, grandchildren and great grandchildren. His personal caregiver Bernadette Snyder, the folks from Grane Home Healthcare, and Meals on Wheels, have also been invaluable.
But it has been the daily care and concern from his youngest daughter Heidi that has been the real blessing in helping him to enjoy his retirement years here in State College. She has been there with him through the ups and downs and has been there selflessly for her dad without hesitation.
My children have had the honor of knowing and being close to ‘Grandpa Smitty’ all of their lives. I never met my mother’s father, who died prior to my birth and only briefly met my dad’s father, who passed away when I was just four years old. For my kids, Grandpa has always been there for them and I am not sure they fully understand how lucky they have been.
Smitty is now in the new Wynwood House in Boalsburg and in the good hands of Vince Romanini and his capable staff. Smitty is a “rock star” and we even kiddingly refer to him as the “chick magnet” because, as some of the women at church describe him, “He is just so adorable!” He is a wonderful man, a veteran, a man of faith, and was a devoted husband to his now-deceased wife Nellie for more than 60 years.
Of course we will all still be visiting Smitty regularly and will make the occasional trip with him to the Waffle Shop to see his favorite hostess Jennifer. We will also get him to the Penn State sporting events that he so loves and has supported for so many years as long as he is able.
As our parents age, and their sun sets over Mount Nittany, it has been a reminder to us to think about them more often, but also to do the research necessary to make the tough, hard decisions that are a part of life. Too often it takes a crisis — a fall, an illness, an accident — before children of aging adults begin to explore options. I implore you to consider planning well in advance, as Heidi and her sisters Karen and Terri have done so well, and with such dignity. It will be easier on the loved one and for the extended family and friends. There are workshops offered locally on caring for aging parents and there are plenty of resources on the web including N4A.org and agingcare.com
I recently listened to a show on XM Business radio about a book on caregiving for aging parents by Jennifer L. FitzPatrick titled “Cruising Through Caregiving” that will be out in a few months.
The focus of the show was on how the large majority of people aren’t prepared for this life event because they don’t talk about it like you would preparing for a birth or planning for kids to go to college. With so many folks retiring to Happy Valley this is a hot topic in our area.
I have another “Angel” in my life. My mother, Angie, has been caring for my father back in my hometown of Pittsburgh. My father is well physically and still has his faculties about him for the most part. But at 84 and with all the pains of having played sports all his life, he has slowed considerably and his memory is certainly not as sharp as it once was. The “Belly Man” is still as competitive and ornery as ever, evidenced by his recent suspension from his over-80 softball league. Why did he get suspended? For ‘taking the game too seriously!’ My father has always believed ‘winning or losing is important but trying to win is even more important.’
So in the middle of all this hustle and bustle and changes with Smitty’s caregiving, my wife, and son Ryan, left at 6 am on Saturday morning along with a contingent of adults and youth from St. Paul’s United Methodist Church for a mission trip to Tennessee. They are joining with other church youth groups from around the country to assist with the Mountain T.O.P. (Tennessee Outreach Project) and help families in the third-poorest county in the country.
My wife is a pretty amazing person — selfless, caring and concerned about others first.
She really is “the wind beneath our wings.”
