Ideally, the holidays are a time spent with family where good food, laughter, and love are celebrated. Unfortunately, however, the reality is that most people have at least one or a few emotionally unsafe individuals in their family, and this can cause major anxiety, depression, and emotional distress, making the season one of dread not joy.
An emotionally unsafe family member is someone who has very little emotional intelligence and no insight into their behavior. They are unsafe to confront on any level, and they are rarely accountable for their actions.
Usually in a dynamic with an unsafe family member, you have to behave a certain way in order for the relationship to work. When you don’t engage in the dysfunctional dynamic, they use manipulation, guilt, and control to get you to engage.
Most of the time these individuals lack complete insight into their behavior, so to confront them on their dysfunction and manipulation would create a situation where you are even more unsafe emotionally. Confrontation works when you are dialoguing with a person who can participate in an insightful discussion and own their behavior and apologize in a way that makes you feel like the issue is resolved and the relationship can continue in a healthy way.
When you confront an emotionally unsafe family member, they will put everything back on you, defend their behavior, take no accountability for their behavior, and apologize in a way that rarely feels sincere or leads to resolution. For example, “I am sorry I upset you, but ….”
These are not individuals you want to confront in any way or be emotionally vulnerable with. The best way to handle a family member like this is to have a concrete strategy in place as to how you will interact with them.
You never want to “wing it” in a situation with an emotionally unsafe family member. Pick concrete times you will spend time with them and let them know your plan. For example, “We will be at your house around 3 for Christmas Eve, and we will be leaving after dinner around 6 p.m. We’ll bring the fruit cake.”
Notice it wasn’t, “We will be leaving at 6 p.m. because we need to go to church, or get the kids to bed, or ….” Do not over explain why you are doing what works for you. You are an adult and have the right to choose what works for you. It is not your job to cater to and please another adult. Adults are responsible for their own well-being and care — that is not your job.
Recognize when you are falling into people-pleasing behaviors with unsafe family members. The more you attempt to placate them, the more you lose your peace of mind and ability to care for yourself in a way that empowers you. If you leave it up to them or wing it, they will control the situation, triggering your anxiety, and you will feel as though you have no power.
The key is to remain factual and concrete. This will help you navigate the situation with a clear mind and confidence. Often when you are around a family member like this you may morph into the emotional age of an adolescent, feeling like you have no power or voice. Even though you are an adult, you will unconsciously become the victim because that is the dynamic you are used to.
It’s important to remain grounded, conscious, and factual at all times because this helps you hold your power and protect you from the emotional slime that you often feel in the presence of an unsafe family member. Have your strategy, present the plan factually, and stick to the plan.
One of the biggest strategies an unsafe family member will use to manipulate you into doing what they want is to use guilt or passive-aggressive pouting as a way to control you. Do not take the bait! This is simply a tactic meant to disarm you and get you to bow down to their agenda.
Remember, you don’t have to over explain to anyone what you do or why you do it — just present the plan and shut down any discussion about it.
If the person tries to talk you into changing the plan, let them know that you will stick with your plan and then change the subject or remove yourself from the room. Do not engage — remember, you are dealing with someone who has zero insight into their behavior, so your attempts to explain anything will not be heard.
When you are in a setting with an unsafe family member, make sure you are with other people in the room. Do not allow yourself to be alone with the person for any length of time. If you do put yourself in a situation where you are alone, they will find a way to throw a dig at you or attempt to use guilt and manipulation to control you.
If you refuse to be alone with them, you take yourself out of the situation completely. Share your plan and strategy with another family member that you feel safe with so that you have support.
As an adult, you decide what works best for you and how you would like to spend your time. Do not let guilt motivate you to spend time with toxic people. Be prepared, stick to the plan, and do not veer from the facts. This will help you navigate the holidays from a place of power and strength, instead of anxiety and dread.
Don’t waste your time trying to change toxic family members. The best way to change a situation is to change your response to it. Do what you need to do to arm yourself with the tools you need to respect and honor your peace of mind. You are worth it!
