The dating world can be brutal. It can rip your self-esteem apart and cause you to always second-guess whether you are good enough or worthy of a healthy, loving relationship.
One of the hardest things about putting yourself out there in the dating world is the risk of being dumped. While a breakup can be a challenging thing to go through, it doesn’t have to be full of drama and pain.
When you are in the process of dating and trying to find a life partner, recognize and remember that dating is risk. You risk getting hurt and you risk being rejected, but what is the alternative? Do you really want to sit on your couch alone with your remote control to keep yourself safe from getting hurt?
If you are going to put yourself out there, own the risk that comes with dating and resist the temptation to make it a dramatic, neurotic journey that leaves you feeling exhausted and anxious. Be as clear and direct as you can with communication and recognize that risk is part of the journey. Embrace the fear and anxiety and detach from personalizing every dating experience.
One of the hardest things about dating can be letting the person know you are not interested in continuing a romantic relationship. Knowing what you don’t want is just as important as knowing what you do want. If you are willing to date, you have to be willing to have some uncomfortable conversations in an honest adult manner.
If you are dating someone for a few weeks or months or even years and come to the realization that you are not interested in a committed long-term relationship, be direct and honest with the person. Take the time to sit down with the person and give them a clear, direct statement of how you feel and that you don’t want to continue the relationship.
“I have come to the conclusion that this is not a relationship that I see headed toward a long-lasting partnership. I appreciate the time we have spent together, but I want to be honest with you that I don’t want to continue the relationship.”
Being honest and direct with someone is not being rude or unkind, it is about being respectful and emotionally mature.
I have seen many individuals hurt and confused because the person they were dating “ghosted.” This is when the person cowardly backs away from the relationship with no explanation. They start distancing themselves from you, taking longer to return calls and texts, and eventually they ghost the relationship.
If you have been ghosted, recognize that this is a behavior that has nothing to do with you. Rather, it is about the other person’s inability to speak truthfully and honestly. It is the coward’s way out.
While being direct about not wanting to continue a relationship may hurt the other person, it is far more hurtful to disappear and offer no explanation or closure to the person you are dating.
When you walk away without being direct, the other person is left with anxiety, confusion, and a paranoia that they have done something horrible. While a direct conversation stings, a gradual distancing and gray conversation leaves the other person in limbo and self-torture.
I remember very clearly a conversation I had with someone when I was certain it would not be a good fit. I told the person that with my personality I needed a partner who would not be afraid to tell me to back off or that I was being bossy or difficult. I let this person know that I thought they were very kind but had a very passive personality. At first they were furious and offended by my words. I explained that wanting to partner with someone with a more direct personality was my preference as an individual and that I needed to be true to what I wanted. The conversation was uncomfortable and tense.
A few weeks later the person called me and actually thanked me for being so direct and honest. In thinking about what I had said they called previous girlfriends for feedback, and in the end he felt he learned a great deal about himself. He used the feedback in a positive way that helped him learn and grow. We ended up becoming lifelong friends.
While the person may not like what you have to say, you owe it to yourself and them to be honest and direct.
If it is a case where you feel that there are major red flags with the person’s personality (angry outbursts, rude, bad temper) address it factually and quickly. “The way you spoke to that waitress was rude and offensive, I’m not comfortable continuing this date.” Exit immediately when your intuition is trying to get your attention and don’t over explain why you are uncomfortable. Simply address it and exit. Never compromise your peace of mind to be polite or nice. Our intuition is the internal GPS system that keeps us safe and on the right path.
Recognize that dating offers you a chance to learn, grow, and work on polishing your communication skills. If you are not comfortable being direct and honest with yourself and others than you are not ready to date. Being honest and direct is part of leading a healthy adult life, whether you apply that to dating, your career, or anything in your life.
If you are ready to date, recognize dating is a risk and a necessary part of finding a partner. Resist the urge to personalize and analyze every experience, be direct and honest, follow your GPS, and have fun! You are worth it!
