On a recent trip to Denver to visit my brother and his family, I had the opportunity to spend time with my nieces who are 3 and 5 years old. We spent a lot of time at the playground and playing outside. What struck me in our time together was how important my brother’s approval and attention are to my nieces. It’s not that their mother isn’t equally important, but there is something about a father’s approval that we crave deep in our spirits. This approval and attention shapes our self-esteem from the time we are born into the world, and if we don’t get it, we spend our adult lives searching for it in other ways.
A father is responsible for teaching us our identity in the world — who we are, what we are good at, and how we leave our fingerprint on the world. Next time you go to a playground, pay attention to the children with their parents. Over and over again you will hear, “Dad, watch me climb!” “Dad, did you see me jump so high!” “Dad watch how fast I go down the slide!” When a father takes the time to nurture their child’s identity, the result is a strong, confident child who never questions their father’s love and approval.
I work with so many individuals daily who are damaged from the inside out because they never received the approval they desperately wanted from their fathers. They grow into adults who constantly seek approval from others or continually attract dysfunctional relationships because deep down they don’t believe they deserve anything better.
As we prepare to celebrate Father’s Day this month, I urge all dads and every male who is a role model and mentor to a child or young adult to give the gift of your presence and approval. Take the time to sit with your child and let them know how proud you are of them. Nurture their spirits and help shape them into strong, courageous individuals who can go out into the world and use their gifts and talents to change the world. Take the time to offer words of affirmation, encouragement, love, and approval.
Fathers of daughters, how you treat your daughter sets the stage for what kind of romantic relationships she will choose as a young adult. If you fail to spend time with her as a teen, letting her know you value and care for her deeply, she will find the affection and approval she seeks from you elsewhere.
Teach your daughter that she is worthy of respect, attention, chivalry, and love. If you treat her mother poorly or speak disrespectfully about her mother, she will learn that this is acceptable behavior and will either attract someone who puts her down, or be the person that is emotionally and verbally abusive in a relationship.
Affirm her strength, beauty, gifts, and talents. You hold the power to teach your daughter to stand tall and demand respect and health in relationships. When you do not take your job as a father seriously, you are setting the stage for future dysfunction, low self-worth, and a lifetime of resentment and anger toward you.
Fathers of sons, take the time to raise men. Teach your son to be accountable and treat women with respect and honor. Again, if you disrespect his mother or put her down regularly, you are teaching your son that this is acceptable behavior.
Take the time to let your son know you value him. Make it a priority to do an activity together regularly where you can teach him a skill or craft. Affirm him with approval and the gift of your presence. When boys do not receive consistent approval from their fathers, they tend to struggle finding purpose in their adult lives.
As we prepare to honor the men who have shaped our lives for Father’s Day, do not discount the gift of your approval and attention in your child’s life. You hold the keys to your child’s self-worth and identity. Your consistent love and approval deeply impacts your child’s ability to feel a sense of purpose and inner-peace. This Father’s Day and every day, watch how your approval and presence strengthens and grows your child from the inside out.
